I've been without my shadow for five days now. When we brought Sadie Rose home from the rescue agency, she chose to attach herself to me and never looked back. We weren't looking for a dog for me, but she decided for herself who she would belong to. When her adoration became apparent, I worried that my son would be disappointed. He accepted her choice with amazing dignity, and was still so very happy to be the one she turned to when I was away or busy.Last week I had to make the decision to end her suffering. She was just two years old, but was born with two malformed and defective kidneys. We didn't find out about her illness until we had fallen in love with her and made her a part of our family for several months. And although we ended up spending thousands of dollars in special medications and treatments to make her months on earth comfortable and happy ones, we wouldn't have changed a thing.
Even thought it's just been five days, I wonder how long it will be before I walk straight into the kitchen, instead of making a wide arc around where her dishes used to sit. How long before I don't stretch my feet in front of me at the dinner table, looking for a tail to nudge or an ear to scratch. How long before I stop reaching my hand out from under the covers at night to search for her head near my side of the bed on the floor.
After she left us, I sat on her bed for quite some time and held her favorite toy. She used to play with it for hours, finally tiring but not willing to leave it alone. She would fall asleep with her mouth wrapped around it. In the week before she died, she didn't go near that toy. That was the first sign for me. Her eyes always sought mine, and she wouldn't break eye contact with me ... I always had to be the one to look away first, until the very end.
Her toy has become a talisman of sorts for me. It sits on my bedside table when I go to sleep at night. It is sitting next to me at my desk now. That toy serves many purposes for me. It brings to mind some of the most joyous and peaceful moments I've had in the last 18 months. It reminds me that life can be fleeting, whether it is that of a person or a pet. And it symbolizes the truly faithful and unconditional love that I was blessed to enjoy. Not many among us can say that they've experienced that pure of a love. We enjoyed a lifetime in just a year and a half with our Sadie Rose.
Do dogs go to Heaven? How can they not? God blessed us with her joyous soul for but a moment. But I'll hold onto her toy until she needs it again.
